7 ASPECTS OF A TAYLOR SWIFT CONCERT IN HYDE PARK

1. HYDE PARK IS AN APPALLING PARK VENUE TO HOLD A CONCERT

The Park Of Hyde is just much too big to adequately accommodate a show such as a Taylor Swift pop concert. It’s not that the spectacle of the show could not fill the venue, or that her voice could not fill the venue, or that her songs could not fill the venue. Taylor can do all those things, as she is a majestic and beautiful mistress whose existence on this planet we should be forever grateful for. Live music is about intimacy, and about feeling like the performer is just as much here for you as you are to them and even though I was as close as I could quite physically get to Taylor, she still felt more distant than Britney’s lips from a live microphone. But not through any fault of her own – she reminded us every three minutes about how grateful she was that we were there. It’s just that when it comes to Popstars, the enclosure more suited to their size is the O2. Big enough that we’re in awe of it’s size, but not so big that Taylor is the size of Katy Perry’s shelf of Grammys.  The entire decision to place the gig at Hyde Park possesses a subtle scent of Taylor not quite being bothered enough to do three shows at the O2, when she could just squeeze in the one if she went to Hyde Park.

ANYHOW, the gig was going to happen and it was going to happen at Hyde Park so I may as well get over it and get ready to BOP.

2. TAYLOR ALISON SWIFT LOVES TO APPEAL TO THAT ELUSIVE AND DIFFICULT TO UNDERSTAND CREATURE, ‘THE FOURTEEN YEAR OLD GIRL’.

The audience who attends the concerts of Popstars, particularly in the utter MOSH PIT that is ‘General Admission – Standing’, is typically constructed of gay men – a prospect terrifying for all involved, but alas needs must. But Taylor’s appeal, much like in Real Life, transcends such minorities. She appeals to ALL. Your Nan loves Taylor. Your sister loves Taylor. Your BOYFRIEND loves Taylor. YOU LOVE TAYLOR!!

Similarly, her concert was absolutely inundated with young teenage girls who aren’t dissimilar to the sprightly young blonde cutie who first came into our lives wiping the teardrops from her guitar (thank you Beysus for allowing Taylor to escape such basic-ness – we’ve all been there). When Taylor somewhat patronisingly dishes out advice about loving yourself and treating yourself and ignoring the haters, these girls went crazy – it’s what they came here for. They hear these speeches on Tumblr and now they want to hear them in real life. Cool! At least I came out of the gig with a bit of a confidence boost so thanks for that babes!

3. TAY TAY DOES NOT ATTEMPT CHOREOGRAPHY, AND THAT IS FINE

For a popstar who doesn’t embrace choreography and who’s live vocals are, shall we say, ‘’’’’inconsistent’’’’’, Taylor has no right to produce a pop show as convincing as this. Taylor Swift, the Persona, is one of the most conspicuous personalities that currently exists within pop culture. In a world in which Beyoncé avoids interviews more than she avoids carrying children, and Katy Perry has that vague look of ‘fuck I hate my music’ behind the eyes, Taylor spends every waking minute exuding just how #GENUINE, #GROUNDED and #RELATABLE she is. Maybe it’s all a façade. But maybe it’s not. And she’s done a great job of convincing us that it’s not. Taylor’s personality carries the entire show, and when coupled with a sleuth of fantastic dancers (BUT DON’T MENTION THEM TO PERRY) and a show so extravagant that even Gaga looks on in approval, the entire show amounts to what can only accurately be described as a triumph.

4. ALSO FINE: THE ISSUE OF LIVE VOCALS

Did she mime a bit? Probably. Do we give a fuck? Hell naw.

5. SWIFTO POSSESS SOME ABSOLUTE FUCKING BANGERS

For the 1989 album, Taylor made the crushingly good decision of hooking up with none other than the GRAND MAESTER of POP MUSIC, SER MAX MARTIN of HOUSE BRITNEY SPEARS.

And holy fuck.

Are the results.

Incredible.

The duo of Max and Taylor is surely up there with Mary and Joseph in terms of pairs of people so destined to be together – one of these pairs produced something so life giving and life saving that humanity weeps tears of happiness for its mere existence, whilst the other had baby Jesus.  When Maxlor™ collide, the results are so just so full of SUGAR, the listener cannot help but feel absolutely jubilant.  ‘YOU GOT THAT JAMES. DEAN. LOOK IN YOUR EYEEEEE’. How is that chorus even real? ‘AND THAT’S HOW IT WORKS, IT’S HOW YOU GET THE GIRL’. Why is it possible for such beautiful sounds to even be created? ‘COS BABY I COULD BUILD A CASTLE!!!!!! OUT OF THE BRICKS THEY THREW AT ME-E-E-E-E’. Who did Swifto sell her soul too in order to achieve such choral euphoria?

6. NO SERIOUSLY. COMPLETELY EARTH SHATTERINGLY FANTASTIC POP SONGS

The songs are outstanding on record, but Taylor recognises that perhaps some of them require a little ‘revamp’ in order to be more appropriate for a live setting. Where the original succeeds in its ‘thin-ness’, ‘Blank Space’ is now as layered as an onion, or indeed an ogre, whilst the live version of ‘Bad Blood’ introduces the aggressive synths and pulsating beats that we’ve come to know and love from the video version of the song, which I’ve only watched once an hour since release.

7. TAYLOR SWIFT’S 1989 WORLD TOUR IS THE POP SHOW THAT ALL POP SHOW’S SHOULD ASPIRE TO BE LIKE

The evolution of Taylor Swift has been absolutely incredible to witness. Literally our faves could never. And they won’t probably. This show with all of its spectacle and leotards and dance routines is completely emblematic of what a Powerhouse of Pop Taylor has become. In years to come our grandchildren will ask ‘Where were you when Taylor released her 1989 album Grandpops?’ and I’ll say ‘In Hyde Park, questioning the sound system’.

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